


Hogwarts' Sweetheart

by MajinSakuko



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-26
Updated: 2010-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:51:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajinSakuko/pseuds/MajinSakuko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What to do if four of the most (un)favoured characters are still  single? Quiet simple: you put them on a matchmaking-show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hogwarts' Sweetheart

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Hogwarts' Sweetheart  
> Prequel to: Dreamtrip to Reykjavik  
> Author: MajinSakuko  
> Beta-reader: Vaughn, Blueisa, JamesMarsters15  
> Translation from German: NoreeMcAlba (who did fantastic work!)  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, JKR the rest.  
> Fandom: Harry Potter  
> Pairing/Main-Chara: SS/RL, HP/DM, GrW/HG (mentioned)  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Genre: Humour, Romance (Slash)  
> Warning/s: OOC  
> Summary: What to do if four of the most (un)favoured characters are still single? Quiet simple: you put them on a matchmaking-show.  
> A/N: Writing of this story began before reading of HBP and was finished afterwards.

"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to a new episode of Wanted: Hogwart's Sweetheart! Today you see the Gay Virgin-Edition!" young and hyperactive Lee Jordan yelled into his microphone. "The show for everybody who didn't get any yet!"

"Mr Lee!" Professor McGonagall scowled. "I would ask you–"

"But you are not one of the candidates," Jordan fell into her words without thinking twice and turned around, his robes flying, and faced the wall that was going to separate the three single men from the chosen candidate. A smile for the camera – a couple of seconds being blind as Colin Creevey took ten pictures in short succession using super-flash – and Jordan took up his postition in front of the three still empty stools.

"And now I present today's candidates," Jordan said with a sweeping gesture. A door behind the stools slid open and three more or less young singles came into the room. They only had one thing in common: they were unable to get their non-existent love life under control.

"The first is Draco Malfoy, who, despite having been less of a coward than usual in the Second War, is still being shunned like the plague itself."

Draco's glare could have been pure poison, it was so strong. But he held back – yes, it was pathetic but even Draco Icicle Malfoy didn't want to spend his days alone. So it came that he sat down on his stool with a glower in hopes that this spectacle would be over as soon as possible.

"And let's greet Harry Potter! No one has yet put claim on our kind-hearted Saviour, which is quiet incomprehensible," Jordan said.

Harry's face turned beet red and he mumbled something about killing Hermione very slowly and painfully – maybe with a wooden spoon? Harry was so kind-hearted, though, that he bore the shame of being outed as a twenty-two year old virgin in front of the wizarding world. Well, at least he wasn't the only one. So he meekly sat down on the stool next to Draco's. The Ex-Slytherin threw him a derisive glance, which Harry ignored.

"And now to our last bachelor. He's a well-liked fellow, even if he isn't seen as a potential partner for life due to his monthly transformation into a bloodthirsty monster: Remus 'I know Honeyduke's better than the back of my shaggy paw' Lupin!"

Remus smiled politely if a bit embarrassed and sat down on his stool. He looked over to Harry who threw him a pained smile and then to Draco who looked like he was posing for an ice-sculpture. Lupin felt sorry for him because they were in the same situation. He actually hadn't planned on participating in this silly show (but everybody claimed that). Only the acute lack in candidates was his reason to come. Maybe the candidate who would choose was also a reason. But Lupin thankfully wasn't sure of it. But now it was too late to think about that. Jordan already asked the candidates to give a short introduction.

"Let's begin with you, Harry – I mean, Mr Potter," Jordan said in a suddenly professional tone. It surely wouldn't be good if he was intimate with two candidates and distant towards the other two. "Tell us something about yourself."

"Errr, well," Harry stammered, searching for words. "I am twenty-two years old, live in London and work - as an Auror in the Ministry..." His voice faded away. Merlin, he really was a nerd. Auror in a leading position at the age of twenty-two. What a surprise it was that he hadn't had a serious relationship yet.

"And how about something the audience doesn't yet know about you, Mr Potter?" Jordan asked bluntly. "How come no one jumped on you yet? Cannot be due to lacking charisma..."

Harry's face turned deep red and his skin felt like it was on fire. He surely would make a fine lighthouse like that.

"Errr..." he said again eloquently. That was the smartest reply his brain could come up with at the moment. He had fought against participating tooth and nail – and for good reason. 'A heart for Snape'. Very funny! 'Life as a double spy isn't easy' Hermione! If she wanted it done at any cost, she could pop his cherry! And just because he, Harry, had no George didn't mean he would throw himself at anybody. He would take care that Snape chose someone else. It would be easy...

"What Harry wants to tell us with his elegant words," a smirking Draco cut in, "is that all his fans are just after his popularity and no one sees the poor, little boy underneath, who's hungry for warmth and security..."

"Malfoy!" Harry hissed after coming out of his thoughts. "At least I've got several layers that can be discovered. You are all 'what you see is what you get': you are vain, smug and egocentric!"

"Oh, you wound me with your," Draco said and smiled sweetly, "highly accurate description of my character!"

"I must have forgotten sarcastic and full of yourself!"

"Ah, if that isn't a good introduction of candidate number one," Jordan, who had begun with the second candidate, interrupted. "Why are you here, Mr Malfoy?"

Draco froze in the middle of coming up with the next witty remark, which left him looking less than elegant: his mouth hung open and only after Creevey's camera flashed did he snap his mouth shut.

"Well, well, glass houses and stones..." Harry whispered and gave Draco a goading smirk, which was answered by a furious glare.

Draco cleared his throat and said, "That is a very long and complicated story which would be difficult to tell and therefore would be beyond an average person's..."

"Subject, Verb, Object," Jordan cut off Draco, "you may talk in simple sentences."

Draco looked like a fish on dry land. What was wrong with his way of speaking? He had always talked like that. He probably would have to lower his standards for the sake of the peasants.

So Draco did exactly that and said, "Pansy, the bitch, gave me an ultim- left me two choices: either I marry and move out or she would tell all my Slytherin secrets. No real choice for me – so I'm here." Draco shrugged.

"Interesting," Jordan replied ("Spineless coward," Harry mumbled), before turning to Lupin. "Candidate number three? If you'd introduce yourself?"

"Of course... My name is Remus Lupin, I am forty-four years old and have a known taste for chocolate..."

"Obviously," came Draco's cutting remark, which was delivered with a pointed look towards Lupin's waist.

Lupin just smiled apologetically.

"I already mentioned vain and egocentric, didn't I?" Harry grumbled with a dark look towards Draco.

Jordan wasn't disturbed by these little arguments amongst the guests and announced the candidate of the evening instead, "And here comes our highly esteemed, because finally retired, Potions Master: Severus 'Neither water nor shampoo will touch my hair' Snape!"

Thundering applause from the studio audience accompanied Snape's entrance. He looked like he did the day Harry graduated: as if he would prefer to be anywhere else but here – his foreboding face and rigid posture made that very clear.

Jordan, being full of energy, almost bounced around the wall to greet Snape.

"Pro – I mean, Mr. Snape – without further ado – would you introduce yourself? Our audience surely wants to know what you've been up to since you left Hogwarts."

"Indeed?" Snape drawled and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, indeed," Jordan repeated and nodded enthusiastically before he got himself under control. "Yes, indeed," he said again. "What are you doing now – professionally and privately?"

For a second it looked like Snape would draw his wand and hex Jordan into next week. Just for a second, though. Because in the next moment he only ground his teeth and answered like a good boy, as if somebody had given him Veritaserum to force him to reply.

"I am a much sought after Potions Master – I exclusively brew on order – and I am booked out for months. Concerning my private life: If I'm not occupied keeping Dumbledore and his silly advices off my back, I am usually in my study, writing."

"And what do you write?"

"Recipes," Snape answered shortly.

"Curry, chilli, soufflés?" Jordan asked in interest.

"Poisons."

That kept Jordan from asking more. He cleared his throat, gave a bit of a forced smile into the camera and then turned back to Snape.

"Well, if we have finished the introductions, we can start in on the first question. Shall we?"

Snape flinched slightly at that and looked down on his card, only to flinch again, more obviously this time.

"Candidate one, we are on our second date – given the first didn't end in a complete catastrophe – and we're having fun," Snape began and made a face at the word 'fun'. "For the last activity we are dining at my favourite Greek Restaurant. Suddenly I react badly to my food. What are you doing?"

"That depends," Draco said. "If we like each other I'd use a vomiting charm. Else I'd vanish as unobtrusively as possible. But, Professor Snape, I really don't think it'd work between the two of us..."

Snape frowned and suppressed an unnerved groan. What use was this show if anonymity wasn't even a given? What use had the wall, then? It was a farce. But Dumbledore had been unrelenting and if he couldn't satisfy him for a couple of weeks, he'd never get any peace. So his only choice was to keep on asking and hoping it'd be over soon.

"What about you, candidate two? How would you react if I showed a sudden allergic reaction?"

Harry, who'd learned quiet a bit about healing during the Second War, blurted the proper healing charms. Then, cursing his Boy Scout instincts, he said in a rush, "No, errm, I'd call for help or a doctor!" Hopefully that had been fast enough. It wouldn't help him to give good answers.

Snape only rolled his eyes.

"And candidate three?" he asked.

"Don't Greeks use a lot of goat milk in their cooking? I'd summon a Bezoar-stone from the kitchen."

Snape frowned again. That had been the best answer yet and he hadn't even taught Lupin in Potions.

"Candidate number two: if you had to describe the person left from you, what would you say about him?"

Harry looked over to Draco and frowned. "Even if this description is rather old: he looks like a styled albino ferret, just without the red eyes. And his nose is so pointed, you have to worry to get your eye poked put while kissing."

"WHAT?" Draco screamed and jumped from his seat. "Take that back, you walking rat's nest!"

"Never!" Harry grinned maliciously, which simply didn't look effective on his face.

"You-" Draco obviously was lost for words. Styled albino ferret! He'd really had to listen to a lot of impertinent things already but that was the most outrageous he'd ever heard!

Jordan who was finally fed up with this attitude cast a temporary silencing charm on the blond. Now he could just throw poisonous looks.

"And how would you describe the candidate to your left, number three?" Snape continued. He really wanted to get this over with as fast a possible without being slowed down by retarded twens.

"Oh, well..." Lupin said slowly. "Right now he behaves like a child." Remus threw Harry a glance in apology. But he was ignored in favour of a staring-down contest between Draco and Harry.

"And now candidate one: how would you describe candidate three?"

"Well," Draco began slowly and leaned forward in order to see Lupin better. "I already commented on his – physique... Couldn't I gloat about number two–" he put emphasis on that number, as if he'd finally won a contest to his satisfaction, even if it was just the position as candidate, "instead? I wouldn't even know where to begin..."

"Begin with candidate number three, if you please," Jordan cut into his words. Draco put on the fish-on-dry-land act for a second before he remembered his vanity and snapped his mouth closed. This Lee really had the gall... no one ever dared to be so foolish if they liked to keep their toes. But as long as he was here, he had to play by their rules.

"Well, you can tell his favourite food with one glance," Draco said with a critically raised eyebrow. "And he cannot do the colouring charm properly. That grey is really a bit much."

"Be glad you are so blond," Harry hissed quietly. "At least your grey hair won't show so much!"

"I won't even get any grey hair!" Draco hissed back.

And finally Snape had reached the last question. He was so happy about that, he could read it without gagging.

"Candidate number three: what is a romantic evening for you?"

"Oh, I guess a romantic evening means a comfortable atmosphere in the first place. If you don't feel comfortable, the evening won't be good," Lupin answered.

Not a bad reply. If that kept up Lupin really had a chance at a justified victory. "And what is a romantic evening for you, candidate number one?"

"Even with the risk of sounding mushy: but I think it needs candles, music – and your absence, Professor." Draco grinned in apology. Harry laughed but stopped at once when Draco turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Nice to know," Snape replied dryly. "And how looks a romantic evening for you, number two?"

"That's a first in history, but I agree with Malfoy," Harry said.

"I always knew I was right," Draco interrupted and smirked again. Jordan raised his wand in warning, which silenced the former Slytherin – for the moment. Slytherins were known to answer with revenge when they were ordered around, after all...

"Luckily there's no danger that it'll become permanent!" Harry continued with a burning glare towards Draco.

"So, those were all the answers already," Jordan said and smiled exaggerated in hopes to distract from the younger candidates' bickering. "And now our lovely assistant will summarize the answers."

"Well, my dear Professor, now you have to make a decision," she began with a smoky voice. "Who's it going to be: candidate number one, the albino ferret, who'll let you die a painful death on your second date because the evening is not romantic enough? Candidate number two, whose Boy Scout instinct answers faster than his common sense and who would rather be with number two anyway? Or number three, who, honestly spoken, is the only acceptable choice in your rather advanced age-group and who'll heal you with Bezoar stones if the atmosphere is right?"

Remus coughed.

Jordan rubbed his hands and asked, "Well? Who's it gonna be?"

"Take Lupin!" Harry called.

"Yes," Draco called. "Take Lupin, sir. Please..." he added. It was the second time in history that he and Harry were of one mind.

Remus blushed and tried to slide down in his stool. That was almost a conspiracy. Why was everybody so intend on seeing him and Snape together?

"You may ignore the remarks of the candidates, of course..." Jordan said. "But you have to decide."

"Potter's comments are not noteworthy anyway," Draco mocked. "You don't need to listen to him..."

"My comments were the same as yours, Malfoy!"

"Which only proves that you can't think of your own remarks..."

On that Harry suddenly turned red. Draco had copied him, not the other way around!

"Is that so?" he asked, oddly calm.

A crash could be heard. Harry had jumped up from his seat and pushed the stool over. His breathing came in pants and his chest rose and fell in swift succession; his hands were balled and raised in front of his face. He stared at Draco with a furious scowl. "Come on, if you have the courage!"

Draco smiled thinly. "Brute force? You don't know me at all, Potter."

But before he could draw his wand, Harry was on him and had thrown him down.

Remus looked half afraid and half amused as his pseudo-godson and his worst enemy rolled around on the floor. After a couple of minutes he noticed something vital missing: no cussing, no kicking, no hitting, only – bites? – on the enemy's lips. So the moaning was of another nature as well... Remus turned red again.

"Well," Jordan said carelessly. "I guess we are two candidates short. If that doesn't decrease the choices drastically..."

Snape didn't seem to like this development. Had he had at least the illusion of a choice before (he'd sooner apply for the most charming smile in Witch's Weekly than start something with one of his former students) now he was even forced to choose Lupin. On the other hand, though – and now he hesitated because he hadn't thought of that before – now nobody could criticize him over his choice because he had no choice to begin with. That thought raised Snape's mood some and he announced his choice with an almost-smile.

"I choose candidate number three."

Harry stopped kissing Draco for a moment and said, "Did you hear that?"

Draco's face darkened at once and he grabbed Harry's neck so he couldn't sit up.

"No," he answered. "And I don't care. And now kiss me – or are you afraid you'll lose your sight, Potter?"

Harry smirked and pressed a small kiss to Draco's pointed tip of his nose. "Nope... I've got my protecting goggles for that."

Remus was obviously nervous as he followed instructions and stepped in front of the wall to wait for it to slide back. It wasn't that he was waiting with baited breath to see whom the wall would reveal. That had to be Severus Snape. This fact didn't calm down his nerves at all, though. They got even worse. And that was reason enough to worry because usually Remus didn't become nervous so easily. Why should his nerves betray him when it was only Severus Snape, the embodiment of all things he wasn't? It was illogical and yet real. With every inch the wall slid back, Remus' heart fluttered more and pumped blood into the tip of his ears. That had happened last time when Sirius had smuggled in some dirty magazines when they were in fifth grade. Now he wasn't nervous because he was not interested, though, but because he was.

What would his friends – the few that were left – think now when they discovered that he wasn't disinclined towards Snape? Maybe they would turn away, maybe they would – after an amount of time had passed and they were used to it – accept it. If the worst should happen, Remus wouldn't be able to do much anyway. And his past had shown him that one didn't have to be a spineless yes-sayer to be accepted.

But maybe – and Remus swallowed hard and scolded himself for fantasizing too much as Snape's shoulder came into view – maybe he was exaggerating. Maybe this whole show was only that: a show, to entertain people and not to bring people seriously together. Maybe Remus had imagined more than there really was and now he would get his bill in form of a malicious smirk.

Just that that never came.

The separating wall fully vanished into the sidewall and re-connected the two parts of the room again. Remus looked up hesitatingly, almost shyly. The distinctive moaning and slurping from the background made him blush hotly. And then his breath caught: there was no malicious expression on Snape's face. Remus didn't know what to think about that.

Jordan raised his eyebrows for a moment because after that one look no real greeting between these two had happened. But then he remembered their past and didn't think about it any more. He fished around in his left pocket and came up with three red envelopes.

"Of course we have prepared a nice trip for our winning pair." He raised the three envelopes and grinned. "Who'll decide where the trip will go?"

After a short round of "You"/"No, you" the honour fell to Remus, whose ears had turned even more red. With a sigh he reached for the second envelope and drew it out from between Jordan's fingers. The paper felt oddly dry, almost as dry as his throat was at the moment.

Severus was occupied with reminding himself that Lupin did not look cute when he was watching him like that. And that the word 'cute' wasn't even in is vocabulary. And just because Severus had taken – uh, chosen – Lupin didn't mean they had to make the trip together – well, they would have to, because it was part of the show and Dumbledore's conditions – but they wouldn't be forced to enjoy it! At least Severus had fought for this right, if anything else lay in the hands of his former headmaster. There was no escape where Dumbledore was concerned: once his charge, always his charge. Severus would have to deal with it, as he would have to deal with the horror trip Jordan was just proclaiming.

"We invite you both to a romantic weekend for two," he read with twinkling eyes. "You'll travel together via Portkey to Reykjavik, where everything needed for an adventurous trip through the woods is prepared. After an exciting white-water rafting you'll find relaxation in one of the many hot wells..." Jordan let the sentence fade away and grinned. "That does sound promising, doesn't it?"

Snape's only reaction was to frown and Remus' to turn beet red. White-water rafting and bathing naked in a hot well, somewhere in nowhere. That would be magnificent.

"I'm already looking forward to your reports about what happened next week," Jordan added and grinned even more. "And I'm sure our audience can't wait, either."

Snape swallowed dryly and Remus groaned to himself. What had they gotten themselves into?

"So I'll see you again next time at Wanted: Hogwart's Sweetheart. Coming again with match-making late bloomers!"

"Mr. Lee!" McGonagall called, scandalized.

"Yes, Professor," Jordan interrupted her carelessly again, "you may participate next time."

-End-


End file.
